I feel like I’m in this money abyss. I can’t keep a job. I can’t earn money. I am relying on my parents for help. My mental health is terrible, and I’ll get a job, but then something happens and I am back at square one.
Particularly right now, it feels as if everything is going downhill for me. I don’t know what my future looks like. Every day, I’m more overwhelmed by everything. Sometimes, I think it would be simpler to try and be normal and find someone and get married and have kids. But that’s never been something that I’ve wanted.
I feel like I’m invisible in the place where I live. And I have no way of getting out right now. Maybe it is stupid to write this down, but I have so many things going on in my head, I think if I don’t write it down, I’ll scream.
I live in a small city in the middle of nowhere and it’s frustrating, because here, everything is fine. Here, no one has to worry about anything. So, people continue on with their daily lives and don’t cringe every time some new horrifying information comes out about our government. This place likes church, football, and beer and there’s limited ways to make a living here.
My options are retail or healthcare, and I’m not qualified for healthcare so I usually end up with retail jobs. I’m getting my degree in English, and while I am excited about the possibilities it will open up for me, I am also terrified. Because what if none of this works out for me the way I want it to and I spent several years of my life getting a degree that I never use?
It genuinely feels impossible to believe in anything right now. The last time I felt genuinely excited about anything, I had gone to see Sinners by myself after work. I was working at the movie theater in town and was only able to see it because I got free tickets there. I was alone, and I remember watching it and feeling like hey, maybe this is a return to films instead of franchises. And I actually went to my vocational rehab and got help for school funding after seeing it so I could get my English degree with a concentration in screenwriting.
Writings the only thing anyone has ever told me that I was good at. But can you make money writing? I don’t know anymore. But I’ve tried other things too, and nothings worked. I know that I am capable of things, but it feels like I am perpetually stuck and I don’t know how to get out of being stuck.
With love,
Diana Crescent
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