I have too many interests

I have too many interests. This is one of the things that made me struggle with choosing a college degree. When I was younger, it was simple. I wanted to be a writer.

But then, life happened. I got older and I had submitted and been rejected so many times I didn’t think it would happen for me. Sometimes, I think a lot of it is ME and not the writing.

Personality wise, I keep a lot of stuff to myself. I’m trying to get better at not doing that but I am often in environments where I don’t feel safe speaking my mind.

The other thing is I want to get involved in everything. I like making art. I like making videos. I like writing. I want to eventually direct. And I don’t share my thoughts on any of those.

I am at my best when I am writing. Often, when I’m speaking in person, I look angry. Or, judgmental. Or people think I sound like a teenager and don’t take me seriously about everything. I want everyone to like me, is part of my problem. But then I think about the people around me and why they don’t like me and sometimes iI am okay about it, but sometimes it makes me go into this deep, dark, pit of despair.

I am happiest when I am doing something creative or academic. That’s when I feel the most like myself.

However, I have to make money. The place that I live in is limited as far as opportunities go. And the chances of doing something creative around where I’m at for a living? Zero.

When I was younger, I think I had a dream of going to New York and being a writer. That’s what you were supposed to do. But then social media became popular and I thought, oh I can be a writer from right here. What I’ve realized though is that in order to be a writer you have to have people who read your work.

And you can’t just be someone who writes about their books or posts about their books. Because otherwise how do people know who you are? But then I get distracted.

I find myself wanting to talk about politics but being too scared too. I want to talk about art. I want to talk about movies and tv. And books. And gaming, which has weirdly become my hobby in my thirties.

The problem is though in getting caught up talking about the other stuff,

I forget what I came online originally to do. To talk about my books and be a writer and yet there are people who go viral posting two sentence ideas that aren’t even written yet.

It’s hard.

And then I have to find the energy to show up in my regular life and be a person in a place I’ve never really fit in because it was never really meant for me. I’m getting my bachelors in screenwriting. I’m hoping that will open up some avenues for me.

I started posting about history online, and I also….started a podcast. That is the douchiest sentence in the whole world. But I read somewhere that only 35% of podcasters were women and I needed to stop feeling insecure and just go for it.

I wrote a whole script about Norman Rockwell and his life, and I’ve recorded one version of it but I’ve got to finish editing it.

See, already in this blog post I’ve gone on like too many tangents. But I’m a writer who likes writing about everything including the sexy, fictional men with magic and dragons I write about in my head.

With love,

Diana Crescent