I’m not a successful adult. If you measure success by money, then I am a completely hopeless case. Someone offered me a job in the entertainment industry this year with a salary of $78,000 annually. You know why I didn’t take it? They were making AI content.

I once interviewed for a celebrity gossip blog and couldn’t muster up fake enthusiasm to be impressed by the person running it because they hung out with Kim Kardashian because I don’t like con artists who run fake churches for tax write offs. And I’ve stopped and started more social media accounts than I care to admit because as much as I love pop culture, I also hate certain aspects of it.

Like, for instance, when you find out your favorite actor has assault charges. Or the writer you were obsessed with is being actively investigated for hurting women.

I’m an English major. To most people, that means I’m going to be broke and unemployed my whole life.

I work part time as a cashier. I have worked since I was twenty-one and was a custodian at DIsneyland for six months. I’ve cashiered. I’ve done customer service jobs over the phone. I’ve been called a bitch just for doing my job and not giving people refunds.

At this point and time, I have $0 to my name. And student loans to pay back. I am no one important. I am not as radical or as revolutionary as I’d like to be. It’s hard to be that when you struggle with liking where you live even though you would like to help make the world a better place, even if it’s only a small section of your world.

And also, when you struggle to like yourself. Because most of the time I hate myself and for no other reason than that I assume everyone else hates me too. I don’t think I’ve found my people or my place yet, I guess.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future, because I’m going to be graduating in December. I don’t know what my future looks like. I know what I WANT it to look like. I want to be writing and making art professionally in some capacity. I want to leave the world better than I left it. I’m not right all of the time. No one can be, but I always try to educate myself.

And even though I’m depressed, and angry, I hope I try to be kind sometimes. Octobers going to be a difficult month for me. I have to put myself out there in a way I never thought I would. Once it’s all over, I’ve just got to remember that I tried.

And that’s all I can do. And going forward, I’ll keep trying to do things. Even if it’s only something small.

With love,

Diana