As an abuse survivor, I have anxiety. In my twenties, I didn’t have the terminology necessary to explain why I felt anxious all of the time. But social media has helped (along with therapy) me understand why I constantly am filled with the overwhelming sense that I have done something wrong, even though I haven’t.
I grew up in a household where there was a lot of yelling and secrecy. The older I get, the more I am still finding things out. But that sense of never knowing the truth about what was going on in my family has made it impossible for me to trust anyone.
I spend much of my time alone (for my peace, and because my anxiety makes it hard to go out alone for too long). I’ve had panic attacks at work and sometimes it makes it difficult for me to show up. I get overwhelmed by things and simply want to shut the world out by staying home. Recently, because my family has complicated things going on, this has made it difficult to keep a job.
I’ve worked multiple places off and on since about 2021. It’s not that I don’t want to work and be employed and have money. It’s that life has made it more difficult for me to. And I’m not simply sitting at home doing nothing.
I write. I’ve always written. Poetry. Books. I wrote my first novel when I was thirteen. But making money as a writer can be difficult, particularly for someone like me who lives in the middle of nowhere.
Also, I’m getting my degree. I’m on a Pell Grant with Southern New Hampshire University where I am getting my English degree with a concentration in screenwriting. In December, I will have my bachelors. I am also hoping to get my masters. I’m hoping to be a screenwriter, but if not, I also like the idea of Teaching English as a Second Language to individual students.
It would allow me the freedom to work for myself and to travel, which is also something I’ve always wanted to do.
Anxiety sometimes makes the simplest things feel difficult. It also means that as an adult, I have to rely on my family for help a lot of the time. It doesn’t mean I am not capable though and I have faith that eventually, I will get to a place to where it doesn’t make life so overwhelming.
And if you are someone that struggles with that too, I hope you get there too.
With Love,
Diana Crescent
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