Modern woman

I’ve been feeling really lost lately. I’m not in a depressive, manic state. I’m taking my meds. And I feel like I’ve got a purpose. I am getting my bachelors. But I also don’t have a job.

While I am looking, I’ve been sleeping to noon simply because I don’t have anything better to do. I stay up late watching horror movies looking for some kind of safe thrill and feel nothing because what I see on the news is far more horrifying than anything I will see in a horror movie.

I’ve always known that sexism existed. I learned that early because of my father and his abuse of me and my family.

But systematically, sometimes it feels like this vague thing you can’t explain until you’re seeing it and then people call you crazy for speaking out on it. The Jeffery Epstein Files are a reminder that there are men out there that genuinely believe women are lesser than them and wish us nothing but harm. For every “good guy” out there, there’s an Epstein, doing unspeakable things to women and helping others do it to. And it was everywhere. At all levels.

I understand why people turn to conservatism. There’s safety in the idea that everything and everyone has a place. But I don’t want to be another place holder.

Sometimes, I get really discouraged. Because I’m in my thirties and I’m not where I thought I would be. But I keep on thinking back to my grandma and all of the women that came before me. Yes, I’ve got a lot more work to do. But what a luxury it is that I get to be this thing called a “modern woman” that people sneer at and I get to be ridiculously educated and work on my craft when there were women before me that couldn’t.

It does feel impossible, being a modern woman right now and trying to break through glass ceilings and screaming when no one is listening.

But I would not give it up for anything, and I will keep on being one even when it seems impossible.